Homophobia is sickening

Never in my life had I felt so threatened by homophobia until today.

It's utterly disappointing when someone who's supposed to be on your side suddenly turns against you.

'Please do not comment about my sexuality in public in future.'

I so wanted to send her this message but after a second thought, I didn't. I knew it wouldn't help and would only cause our faltering friendship to crumble.

On another occasion, someone said this to me. ' See that effeminate guy? He'll soon become gay. That's how homosexuality occurs. First, you turn sissy. And as time passes by, you sort of metamorphose into a gay.'

I stared at him in incredulity. Those were the words which came from a 4th-year med student. And he wasn't aware that he's making that statement to a guy who's been gay for more than a decade.

For some stupid reason, I've been trying to give a hint to people around me that I'm gay. Yeah, I know it's idiotic. And I'll stop doing this from tomorrow onwards.

It hurts to realize that all I've got is myself. I promise I'll work harder. I've gotta be strong and resilient. I want to be formidable. I want to be outstanding and successful in life as this is one of the very few ways I can feel good about myself. And may the offspring of all the homophobic morons out there be gay so that the latter will understand how sickening homophobia can be some day.

Patience

The traffic jam really drives me crazy. I hate the fact that there are so many people and vehicles wherever I go. I wish the main roads could be widened and more flyovers built to ameliorate the traffic condition during peak hours. And I so wish that we had a teaching hospital within walking distance. I can't help but silently curse in frustration when I'm stranded in a deluge of cars moving at a snail's pace. Oh damn ... so annoying.

But, whenever my temper hovers near its boiling point, I can hear an inner voice telling me to calm down and be patient. I do comply, though it's really hard. Of course, this isn't only about the heavy traffic which tires me out. I'm exasperated by someone's poor sense of punctuality which ruined my plans today. I'm irritated by the fact that someone who blatantly ignores my feelings and expects me to be a gentleman all the time just because I'm a guy. And I keep telling myself to be patient every day when things don't pan out quite as expected.

As far as my studies are concerned, I'm doing fine. I've learnt how to perform an intubation (on a mannequin) and I have to say that anaesthesiology, which revolves around the art of knocking someone out, is quite interesting and extremely challenging. And I've decided to do my elective posting next year in Taiwan. The Taiwanese guys had better be as cute and twinky as those I see in the dramas and my porn. And who knows I'll bump into Willy? =)

Oh ya. I chanced upon someone who looked familiar in the hospital the other day. My mind registered the near-perfect physique of a man, searched my memory for a match and found one. He's one of the guys whose profile I came across on Planetromeo. Actually, that's not the first time I saw him. I'd always covertly checked out his ass. So, now I know a hot gay medical officer who works in the obstetrics and gynaecology department. =p

Back to school

My holiday has come to end. Sigh.

Classes will resume today. Coming up next is Combined Specialties Posting which comprises 3 subjects, namely anaesthesiology, otorhinolaryngology (ear, nose, throat or ENT) and ophthalmology (eye).

I'm glad that I spent my entire one-week break enjoying pastimes a holiday-deprived med student would during his or her leisure. A week of invigorating break is all I need to re-energize and prepare myself before I continue the battle.

I miss the days when my best friends and I carpooled to the hospital which is 40 minutes away from my campus. We're in the same group then and almost always did everything together for the first few years in med school. We were able to economize a lot on petrol. Sad to say, by an unfortunate twist of fate, we're now in different groups now. The grouping changes yearly.

Hence, I'm basically on my own now.

Due to financial constraints, I've decided to carpool with Navin, a group member of mine, from tomorrow onwards despite the inconvenience that I've anticipated. My car is quite old and annoyingly very fuel-consuming. I can't afford to drive to the hospital myself daily.

He's an average lovesick heterosexual who's very friendly and generous. And I am, by no means, a racist nor a heterophobe. The thing is, we aren't really close, you see. Not to the extent that he's willing to wait for me if I want to clerk an interesting case in the ward after office hour. Apart from that, he's an intelligent fellow who sometimes approaches things with a somewhat lackadaisical attitude. Whereas, I'm the mediocre and more kiasu one, admittedly. So, apparently, we have different ways of doing things and needless to say, minor conflicts as well as bickering matches are bound to take place. Oh ya... did I mention that he's extremely homophobic too?

I'm sort of in a dilemma. The only thing we have in common is our liking for DotA and swimming.

Never mind. I've got to learn to be mature somehow. I'll try to as patient and accommodating as I can. Well, I'm not evil, anyway. In fact, I'm pretty approachable and fun to be with. I just find it hard to participate in a conversation about girls with him.

No worries. Things will be fine. I look forward to seeing the cute doctors in the ward. And hopefully, Dr Phuah's still around. =D

Fat pads

Oh my god. I've got very ugly pics of mine on Facebook. I'm depressed. I know it's very childish of me to mind this but I can't help it. And I can't blame the person who uploaded them. I bet he didn't realize that most of the pics he took of me were from angles which made me look outrageously fat and unattractive.

Why? Why? Why?

Why do I gain weight so easily?

I know many things have been genetically pre-destined. But why does it have to be me?

Aih.

Perhaps, I should just keep on believing that I look attractive and in the meantime make serious efforts to get rid of the obnoxious fat pads on almost every square inch of my body. I've got to pretend I don't give a damn about what people think about me for the time being.

Scuba-diving

I've been playing like mad every single day after my exam. We went to watch movies. Had nicer meals at nicer places. Played DotA endlessly. I even participated in a scuba-diving course with Jamie and Qing Ci under the Professional Association of Diving Instructors (PADI) and had got my licence.

There're certain things I told myself I had to accomplish before graduation. Well, I'd conquered Mount Kinabalu ( which was a feat), done white water rafting at Padas River and visited the Sepilok forest reserve and orang utan sanctuary. Now, the only thing left is snorkeling and scuba-diving in Sipadan Island, which boasts splendid world-class dive sites and scenic beaches, beckoning tens of thousands of tourists from all over the world each year. That explains my enthusiasm for attending the scuba-diving course.



It's a 3-day course. Cost us RM 670 each. And we got to scuba-dive at Mamutik Reef, Sapi Reef and Coral Garden off the coast of KK. It's a very enjoyable experience. It opened my eyes to the beautiful underwater world of rich marine habitats which I could only see superficially on the National Geographic or Discovery channels previously.

In the water, you're almost weightless. You control your buoyancy by inflating or deflating the buoyancy control device (BCD). You breathe through a scuba tank as you admire the awe-inspiring beauty of the fish and coral species in a myriad of colours. And it's very exhilarating when you try to reach out for the fishes that nonchalantly swim past you.

So, if you ever happen to be in the Land below the Wind, get your scuba-diving licence before going back. It's much cheaper here than in Peninsular Malaysia. Don't worry about drowning. I only got stung by a sea urchin because I underestimated the danger of playing with it.

The price is quite reasonable, considering that you get to ogle at hot guys sun-bathing and flaunting their six packs on the beaches. There're Jap guys who resembled those in my favourite porn collection! Oh my... I drooled ceaselessly looking at their asses and bulges. Stealthily took some pictures of them. Jamie almost caught me red-handed.

I'm going to Kundasang with my friends in a few hours' time. Yay! It's a highland popularly known as the foot of Mount Kinabalu. I've been there a couple of times. But, since Ah Teng offered to drive, I'm just gonna tag along.

Rants of an old gay

I've always subconsciously said or done things to manipulate people around me into thinking that I'm straight, attributable to the fact that I'm too timid to let them know about my sexuality.

Yet, I feel awful and am conscience-stricken. I've built a fortress around my real self so strong that no one around me really knows who I am. I think I'm a very fake person, in a way.

I do have several friends whom I spend most of my time with in where I'm studying. Yet, frankly speaking, I don't have a friend whom I can confide my innermost feelings in and that I can call to talk for hours when I'm upset. There're just too many things I can't reveal without raising their suspicion that I'm gay. Never have I intended to come out to them in view of their homophobic nature. Hence, everyone's constantly guessing which girl I'm seeing whenever I'm seen dressed up charmingly. Even my mom's suspecting that I'm having a clandestine relationship with a girl who lives in KL considering that I've been visiting the city quite frequently for unclear reasons of late.

And I guess I have too few genuine gay friends. It's very difficult for a friendship to blossom when both parties live thousands of miles apart from each other. However, I really do cherish the very few who care about me.

I feel sad and lonely. I'm a person who can hardly survive without friends. I'm worried that I'll become lonelier and be forgotten as I age. I've never really had a successful relationship in my entire life. I don't know what I've been doing for the past 20 years. For as long as I can remember, I've been trying to keep myself alive in a highly competitive learning environment in which everyone wants to outshine the rest.

I cried while watching Tsunami at Haeundae a couple of hours ago. There're many touching scenes. And I'm not sure if that's related to the tinge of sourness I feel in my heart now. Life's certainly not going to be a bed of roses if I weren't gay. Yet, I guess my life would be simpler if I weren't. At least, there's less hiding and explanation to be done.

I don't know why I'm writing this. I'm not a newbie. I'm not a new gay. It dawned on me that I was sexually attracted to the same sex when I was 12. So, theoretically speaking, I'm quite an old gay now.

I should be sleeping by now. I've got to wake early to attend a scuba-diving course. DIVING. Not driving. It's a 3-day course. I'm not going back to hometown during the Hari Raya break since the air tickets are too expensive.

Perhaps, I'm just having a bad mood. And my blog just happens to be one of the most appropriate places to take my frustrations out voicelessly. Hopefully, things will be better when tomorrow comes.

Life's a bitch

Today's papers weren't easy. Well, had I worked harder before the exam, they'd have been much easier. See, that's the consequence of procrastination. But, thanks God. Nothing hi-fi came out. Was able to scribble something for every question.

I just got to know that one of the specialists who'll be assessing me for my orthopaedic long case tomorrow is a sports physician whose tail I'd previously stepped on, unintentionally. She's a little sensitive, I guess. At least, most of my group members agreed.

She clearly has a bad impression of me. And I'm naturally not fond of her. Let's hope that she won't penalize me tomorrow based on that ground. But, to say that I'm not worried at all is a lie.

Life's a bitch at times. I prayed so hard that she wouldn't be my examiner and see what happens now.

I don't like girls

I don't like girls. I find it very hard to co-exist with them. They're worse then straight guys at times.

I think I'm a weird gay.

=(

Rants of a lazy worm

I'm under a lot of stress. Allow me to write something childish.

My end-of-posting exam will be held next Monday. And here I am, still writing my case reports and slacking off.

I could have completed my assignments much earlier. That would give me more time to revise now. Yet, I procrastinated. I spent lots of time online, going for movies and hanging out with 2 gay friends whom I had just got acquainted to.

I really do emulate my female course-mates who always manage to finish their assignments way before the deadline. Arghh... what a lazy worm I am.

I read with envy and shock about how Little Dove was enticed into having sex by a medical officer in the ward. Alright. I admit I'm jealous. I was wondering why this sorta thing had never happened to me. I believe that I'm charming. So, what went wrong? Well, I don't mean to say that I have the craving for getting laid. It's morally bad and will wipe away all the karmic merits I've accrued over the years. =D

Nonetheless, whenever I see Dr Phuah passing by, the fantasy of grabbing his butt and banging him never fails to surface on my mind. Ahaks. Dr Phuah's cute and adorable. And his ass is tight, seriously. He's mainly in the medical ward. Yet, he comes to the orthopaedic ward occasionally. That's when I get to ogle at him. I noticed that there's nothing on his ring fingers and he smiled to me a couple of times. Oh my gosh, is that a sign?

No worries. I think I just feel lonely. I suppose I'm still very much a decent and down-to-earth kampung boy who has never been mistaken as a sexual pervert. I'll try to stay strong and not give in to lust.

Oh well, I think should be studying now. The orthopaedic surgeons are generally very friendly. Am keeping my fingers crossed that they'll be lenient and friendly during the exam too.

Sometimes

Sometimes, you're into him, but he's just not that into you.

Sometimes, he's into you, but you're not into him.

Sometimes, you both are into each other but separated from each other by 1000 miles.

Why?